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Contrary to the public perception of honour-based abuse as a female-only issue, we have taken calls from a significant number of men who have been forced into marriage.
The saddest aspect of these cases lies in the fact that male victims are often unwilling to come forward. The shame, judgment and stigmatisation they expect to encounter by reporting abuse cripples their instinct to protect and act for themselves.
Coming from honour-based family systems, many of these men have been culturally conditioned to place an excessively high priority on the judgments of others - even ahead of their own well-being.
We can tell you on good personal authority, it isn’t an easy habit to break.
Abdul came to us after being disowned by his family for rejecting an arranged marriage.
He had been taken out of school at the age of seven and engaged to his first cousin.
When the time came for him to ‘honour’ the marriage, he was kidnapped and shackled in chains in a mosque.
Thankfully, he escaped. His reservations about seeking help earlier were partly down to his expectation of stigma and ridicule. He felt that asking for help would diminish him in the eyes of his peers and wider society. As he told us himself, it’s just not a very ‘macho’ thing to do.
In reality, Abdul’s confidence as a man had been shattered, and he was suffering the very normal and crippling effects of low self-worth, depression and learned helplessness.
So the first thing we came to understand about the male experience of honour-based abuse was its extreme isolation.
Tragically, men in these circumstances are often ashamed to signal their need for help to people who can potentially save them. Being unseen victims who often prefer to remain unseen, they are at high risk of forced marriage and honour-based violence.
We’ve made it a key priority to reach out to men like Abdul. But because of the unique aspects of male abuse, we need to stretch further in order to reach them.